'U'- my reason to LIVE!

Reason to LiVe…
I cant really think of a better reason to live or to frame this sentence in a better way(no other so solid reason in all), he's been a joy in my life, and soothing breeze and what not..everything beautiful I can possibly compare him to..
I was not a big Mother material, of course was very cautious in that period, didn't do anything I shouldn't have done..but was never really prepared till the last moment, being the youngest at home I was a baby all thru my life..and giving way to someone was not something I was OK with, But life changed the moment I saw him..a lil bundle of Joy is what everybody say on babies …but for me he was a STAR (a star which I always wanted..nothing came close to this ..i still am fascinated for the stars which twinkles even so far away and Sun is something yes..but too loud u know:-) the moment I saw him I really couldn't believe he was mine..he was a darling and has always been so far..
When I was wheeled back from OT to the ward I hardly got to see him coz everybody took turns carrying him and I wondered how cruel of them not showing him to me at all..and next few days same story, mum always kept him away fearing that I would not be very careful with him( u know these Mothers!!!!) but believe me I have really fared very well in this role..i see so much of myself in him..so much of the real me..
I specially like the way he sleeps..he is an angel no matter how much you try to disturb him.he can still go sleeping..i sometime wonder how could someone so beautiful be mine..trust me Baby you are best thing that could ever happen to me..
Having you in my life has given me new hopes, new aspirations..and you have empowered me to always go for it the SUCCESS..i want to do better for you so that you have the Best of everything..I want you to be someone who has a kind heart, understand people, be able to judge the bad from good..and most of all a very loving person. I want you to value every word you speak and never play with emotions with whomsoever in this World
I don't really want anything in return from you..but yes Baby I want you to give a whole lot to this world coz you can bring in a lot of happiness to this otherwise sad World..Maybe u are mine with a purpose attached, to be the only reason for me to go on..with you around im so much more happier, I take pride in watching you grow up..every moment of your journey will be special to me..u facinate me in many ways..& thanks God! For giving such a wonderful child...
Love you dear one….

My Brother!!!one i had and lost...

Memories of my Only Brother,….SwAraj////////////////////////////
While I was just typing his name I kinda felt strange like I am writing this name for the first time, a name which was born before me, a name I must have called a zillion times..a name which is associated with for so many of my years.. Yes that's my Bro..whom I lost..
For some wierd reason..i cant recall many incidents of my childhood probably because most of it were not so good one, but yes there were beautiful days, days when me and Bro' would escape from home to play all day along..we had the same group of friends..sisters, brothers all in all, most of the times together..then we started growing up Bro' my senior in school we would update each other with every trivial issues happened in the class, then there was this bus journey back home, not the school bus mind you it was the local private bus..most of time no seats available suprFull is the word..every time a whistle would blow in the back I would just know it was him..would feel embarrased…..
He loved the movies..would watch one every week..for him it was a way of life..i remember once such episode of movie going which I accompanied him..there again the whistles n shouts began, what a stupid company I was to him coz I would always cried in every movie and would repeatedly ask him take me back home..poor Bro' not much choice left would coax me to fall asleep…
Our fights…those were major ones..even sometimes Pappa' n Ma would be dragged in ..heated arguments would follow sometime slaps too…then again the next day we would be back to normal,,
He always thought of me as a very brave girl, someone who could achieve everything I want..and for me he was a clean guy always helpful to others, always out of the house with friends…somehow we started becoming close to each other, began confiding in each other our small secrets just then he was gone..
Losing someone didn’t have any meaning to me till that day..had never faced death from so near..He was taken away without any notice, no final words spoken, nothing..he just left US..even today I do not know how we survived those few days..I didn’t want to live even tried convincing Mom that we should die( sometimes wish that was better…………………)
But yes…time is the best healer, it took us years to stop refering his name for everything we do..slowly conversations involving him has reduced..maybe each of us are making a consious effort not to remind other of him..he remains in the photographs overlooking us..Mom religiously place flowers for him..
I am left with no one to confide in..no one to discuss the mundane matters of life………no one to fight with , Miss you Brother!! No words to say how much I do..! there is an empty space left by you which could not be filled by anyone till now..Wherever you are..Pappa, Amma, me Love you and always will ;(

" No farewll words were spoken, No time to say Goodbye..you were gone before we knew it...and Only God knows why....If tears could build a stairway & memories a lane......................I'd walk right upto heaven and bring you back home again........"

It always feels wonderful to write, I personally feel there are two kind of people in the world who can talk/ who can write, some are equally good in both and some in neither of it. For me, writing was never so important when I had someone to express my feelings, not necessarily joy or anger but the general happenings of the ...but now when I am left with no one to share what I feel ...this might work wonders to me…
I donno whats happening..just yesterday mom kept saying that I have changed(Mom till today has never spoken a word against me..) she started off saying how impatient I have become, no longer that happy-go-lucky gal I used be, blah.blah…..blah..Dad too more or less repeated the same. Hey what do you expect me to do guys I myself is very confused,..in any other situation this is definitely not the way I would react, now almost smallest of things freaks me out..i scream like anything.unable to handle the stress
I feel everything is wrong, everybody is against me. Seriously had it in mind that I need some help but I know that wil not work out for me. I am not someone who wil listen to some fella saying I am insane,,Goddamit! I am okay just that my problems arent;)………there are times when I sit and wonder does everybody go thru this phase…must be(atleast that would be consolation to this worried soul:-(
I have a problem everywhere let me tell you(anycase whom am I telling this?) at home I feel Im overly used up..cant do all this yaar…Leny although isnt a difficult child is definitely attention seeker, he need me to be around for nothing and everything..baby please understand..i cant be.i also should be cooking..should be dressing up…should be talking over the phone..should be reading the newspaper( only luxury I cant possibly miss)..should be finding the right clothes out of my wardrobe etc…etc

@ at work..there I feel im underly used((right Englis` who is bothered?!)), I feel my potential is not used..C'mon me not saying I wanna become a developer (geek im not cut for that…sitting and staring into the computer as if something is gonna pop out of nowhere) or something..guys gimme some decent stuff where I can prove myself, where I can use my goddamn brains, these days I don’t even feel like dressing up for work..i pull out something which is obviously easy to press and bingo Im ready(did I mention..i stopped my famous Kajal..so that saves me the time and energy) dab on a dollop of sunscreen and a touch of lipstick and there goes ME..how ruthlessly I drive my bike..GOD Knows..
God U have been kind enough to me in so many ways..Must be mad that I don’t pray..i just cant u know it..but yes!!! I believe in you…I know without you I could not have pulled on for so long…and I damn sure you will keep me going for a long while..
Hats Off to ya!!!!