A small fight in the morning with Raj made me write this blog, I was upset and furious on my own self as I had chosen this life, it was never forced on me. I always lived by my rules, somehow never paid attention to anybody, did everything what I wanted, for me not able to do something and regretting later was not an option at all. When I decided to get married to Raj I knew there would be a lot of problems and I was well aware that it was not going to be a smooth sail but I thought with time it would be better, things would settle down but I am wrong, every other day there are new scuffles, new problems etc..sometimes I feel I am fighting a losing battle and the relationship is going nowhere.
I know every couple or a marriage isn’t perfect, there are differences and it needs enormous level of patience to tackle these. I was reading somewhere..Marriage is all about falling in love a lot of times, always with the same person:-)…but when differences become life and compromise the way of life I feel its not worth it.
I feel I am a dying each and every minute, I try to pump myself a lot of energy & passion by doing so many things but I am not successful at this..The worst is that I have no one to cry to..at times when i am alone I cry out so loud just to went out my feelings but it isn’t close to having someone you love. Len has changed my life in so many ways and I always think I have to be brave for him. I want him to grow up with a lot of love. Sometimes I fear he would turn out like Raj and that I think I would not be able to deal with. What u fear is what u get…and this would be a nightmare. I hate myself for having let him taken me so much for granted and treat me like a doormat..but yes I did that..for me love/relationship is unconditional..somehow never learnt to keep grudges or be dishonest.
Somehow I feel this post is not going to do any good to me..dont wanna end up crying,
So for now…
Signing off!
I know every couple or a marriage isn’t perfect, there are differences and it needs enormous level of patience to tackle these. I was reading somewhere..Marriage is all about falling in love a lot of times, always with the same person:-)…but when differences become life and compromise the way of life I feel its not worth it.
I feel I am a dying each and every minute, I try to pump myself a lot of energy & passion by doing so many things but I am not successful at this..The worst is that I have no one to cry to..at times when i am alone I cry out so loud just to went out my feelings but it isn’t close to having someone you love. Len has changed my life in so many ways and I always think I have to be brave for him. I want him to grow up with a lot of love. Sometimes I fear he would turn out like Raj and that I think I would not be able to deal with. What u fear is what u get…and this would be a nightmare. I hate myself for having let him taken me so much for granted and treat me like a doormat..but yes I did that..for me love/relationship is unconditional..somehow never learnt to keep grudges or be dishonest.
Somehow I feel this post is not going to do any good to me..dont wanna end up crying,
So for now…
Signing off!
