Weekend Pics

Another weekend has passed by, with hubby off to Mysore..it was a jolly good time with little one, some pics..

2012 Impact (!!!)

Watched 2012 over the weekend, WOW man what a movie..and what an impact! I donno if the world will surely end in ’12..but if it does..i am prepared, I know what I want to do. But before all this, one thought crossed my mind immediately while I walking out of the hall. I don’t have much time left, I have so much to accomplish, so many things pending. But of all that I have one thing to do right away.. I have vowed to write a note of thanks:-)

Hey ppl..it is truly a wonderful state of mind I am experiencing now..i am grateful for everything that has happened so far. When death comes by..i should have no regrets and I want this of all to be done..

Often I hear of people who never speak out what they feel and later spend a lifetime regretting it, maybe if they had at the right time, things would have taken a wonderful turn. Yes, there were moments in my life too and I chose to remain quiet and it bought me only remorse and nothing else.

First its my wonderful folks whom I have to thank, I am always told that I am blessed with a great set of parents and yes indeed I cannot ask for anyone better. There were so many problems between them but we kids were always their priority. It is they who taught me to love unconditionally. Hats off to you guys for just being there with me through thick n thin. I owe so much to you, forgive me if I have been harsh, stupid at times. I am sure brother felt the same but he was taken away before he could say it sometime.
And Hiya Brother, there was so much unfinished when you just left us without a notice, but you are a superb bro..every min I miss you and wish you were with us, most of all for me..(a silent tear slips off.. inspite of me fighting it back;)
And to my circle of few friends(I particularly mention few coz yes I have very few whom I call friends..:-) Each of you have been a great pillar of support and strength. With some of you I have been very vocal about my feelings but don’t get me wrong..the rest of you too hold a special place in my heart.

Now coming to the extended family, my supr cousins and in-laws, thanks a million, all of you have been very thoughtful and I thoroughly enjoyed knowing you.

And now comes the toughest part..over to hubby(he has peeped in a couple of times when I was writing this..plain curiosity) Hey, it’s been close to 10 long years I’ve known you trust me there wasnt one single day where I think I know you enough. Each times I am surprised by a new face, some good sides and some so ugly, honestly there wasn’t any know-it-all situation at all, it is constantly trying to know you more. We have had some oh so great moments which I have locked deep in my heart and that keeps me going. Thanks to you.. I have picked up this fighting spirit, with you every moment is a battle sometimes to be won with love, yet other with words or deeds..I have never known I could be so brave but trust me I am a survivor!!!! Listen,,for all those painful words I continue to hate you..

And now I have no words left to thank my dear sonny. He has brought in joys beyond everything ..muaah lenny boy, may you have wonderful tomorrows, God bless you baby!!!

And to some other people, whom I don’t have a name for the relationship which I share with you, you have really made a huge impact on my life and I want you ppl to know how much you meant to me..i think my list ends here..

I love seeing positive people, people with genuine smile and a honest intention. Lets together make lives beautiful not just ours but everybody else,..lets spread the song of love..Atleast me I have vowed to smile more often even if it means my mouth will hurt by the EOD, even if its means people would wonder what I have to smile about and hear it guys..we have a LIFE !!! I don’t know if it is till 2012 or whenever,.

Love is so wonderful only it has to be true, no vain words/promises..get real for once what say??

Sush
////That’s me for all of you////

Papa Connection:)

Its really good to see Lenny getting closer to Raj. They are a great team! Little one though irritates him a bit too much, sometimes Papa loses his cool but its just for a while, one of the perfect moments captured:)

Joy!

this pic was taken just after having come back from a birthday party..i actually wanted when both of us were dressed..he wasnt in best mood, finally ended up like this:))

Hope...

Its been a while I got a decent pic of mine..everytime something seems to be going wrong! Now its become a norm that I get ready to office in the morning and phew..i start posing(lol) and poor thing my maid goes click., click..and I grab the camera from her and im like aah..not again the same something going wrong..hair falling flat, or that sad look or something..
One of these days I hope to have a nice one!!!!

Hope is something that keeps me going..

Lonely Walk

Life has been a lonely walk..
As lonely as it can get
At times I stop here and there
To see what I miss and others have

Too afraid to make new memories
New friends or new mistakes..
It took all I had to come so far
So far from what I was..

No longer I like the bright sun
nor the chirpy birds
too much loud it seems to me
for I ‘ve become so gray!

All I do now is to wait
for the days to pass by
not a smile or a laugh
to stop the falling teardrop!

Someday, somebody would walk with me
Someday, somebody would walk with me
With that hope I go on..
I walk a lonely walk now
As lonely as it can get…

Not feeling right..........:-(

The recent turn of events @ home has made me think a lot. Sometimes I wonder where I am going, every other day I come face-to-face with some hard facts of life. I am soon thirty and I donno how life is going to be henceforth. There are times I am so frustrated with myself for having made all the wrong choices in life.
Why do I need someone for myself?..definitely not to stay together and do your own thing as if I don’t exist, not to complain on everything under the sun even if I am at no fault at all, & not to see a grumpy face even after having spent N hours out from home/
I need someone -to hold my hands and say things are going to be ok, to kiss and say and life is beautiful and this’s is just a tough phase, to pat my back and say I’m brave and will do great…I miss someone like that in life..relationship is not only about being married, it is not only being physically together. It is what we feel for other to know of someone’s happiness, worries, fear and complexes. How much I am deprived of so many things in life, that togetherness of watching a movie together, enjoy a quiet dinner at home…!
The most difficult part of life is to pretend that I am happy always painting a beautiful picture is what I detest,

Someone once told me we have one life and we should make it happen..i wonder if it is so easy..but I will try. I wish I grow older soon, my desire die within me..my wishes buried before it is born for I do know it is me who can keep this going..i will lie flat and let all walk over my emotions, my feelings and my dreams..
Maybe one day ill have become so cold that it no longer will hurt when someone plays with my heart…
………….happen to read this today and was almost in tears……………

“The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.It is seen in the width of his arms that encircle you.The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.It is in the gentle words he whispers.The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.It is how good a buddy he is with his kids.The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.It is in how respected he is at home.The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits..It is in how tender he touches.The strength of a man isn't how many women he's Loved by.It is in can he be true to one woman.The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.It is in the burdens he can understand and overcome”

The life I chose….

A small fight in the morning with Raj made me write this blog, I was upset and furious on my own self as I had chosen this life, it was never forced on me. I always lived by my rules, somehow never paid attention to anybody, did everything what I wanted, for me not able to do something and regretting later was not an option at all. When I decided to get married to Raj I knew there would be a lot of problems and I was well aware that it was not going to be a smooth sail but I thought with time it would be better, things would settle down but I am wrong, every other day there are new scuffles, new problems etc..sometimes I feel I am fighting a losing battle and the relationship is going nowhere.

I know every couple or a marriage isn’t perfect, there are differences and it needs enormous level of patience to tackle these. I was reading somewhere..Marriage is all about falling in love a lot of times, always with the same person:-)…but when differences become life and compromise the way of life I feel its not worth it.

I feel I am a dying each and every minute, I try to pump myself a lot of energy & passion by doing so many things but I am not successful at this..The worst is that I have no one to cry to..at times when i am alone I cry out so loud just to went out my feelings but it isn’t close to having someone you love. Len has changed my life in so many ways and I always think I have to be brave for him. I want him to grow up with a lot of love. Sometimes I fear he would turn out like Raj and that I think I would not be able to deal with. What u fear is what u get…and this would be a nightmare. I hate myself for having let him taken me so much for granted and treat me like a doormat..but yes I did that..for me love/relationship is unconditional..somehow never learnt to keep grudges or be dishonest.

Somehow I feel this post is not going to do any good to me..dont wanna end up crying,

So for now…
Signing off!

Au Revoir!

Some moments in life are so perfect that thinking of them anytime will bring a smile and this is one of those..have been thinking for a long time to write and finally have sat down before it fades off from my memory..(will it ever?..not sure)

When he asked me over for lunch, although I agreed instantly I was not too sure if it would work. Also being his last day here I thought many other things of high priority might come up but nothing of that sort happened and..it still was on. So on the D-day I set out from home, after a lot of confusion on what to wear finally settled on a Saree, didn’t feel very comfortable but nevertheless was in great spirits. Knowing him for so long I didn’t want to land there anytime later or too sooner than decided. When I went in I saw his people still doing the last minute packing and I thought wrong time!!! He was still hopping up n down the stairs hurriedly. Seeing me he rushed in saying he would be down in 10 mins, promptly came down in time wearing a nice suit..which was a surprise to me..hardly ever seen him in a suit and Gosh! he really looked dashing! I wasn’t really prepared for it..i thought we would go over to a small place somewhere closer home maybe even walk by..but he took out the car and asked me to sit. Jeez..that moment I was like God, why don’t you hide me somewhere???

So we started off..I kind off was wondering where we were heading to..and he told me we were going to the Leela’s! Ooh my! Now I was shocked..i really couldn’t do anything and there I went! He said he loved the Indian place there because of the garden..blah..blah. Have never been here, although have been to ‘Citrus’ before a couple of times. Cool place I thought, with its garden and really laid back ambience “Jamavar” was really a great setup,

Then began the conversation, starting off from Indian Cuisine, people, places, affairs of colleagues at office:)) somehow it makes me think two people don’t have to have anything in common to strike a great conversation and sometimes even having so many things in common we never manage a short talk.. His talk on India surprised me.. I never thought he would ever like this place. Maybe I will never find a man who could talk about his Pineapple Juice and his love with the same passion. He liked everything that mattered to him. I donno for that few hours I thought I got to know him way more than the 1.8 years together in office. His likes and dislikes fascinated me..will never be able to order/eat the Baigan Bhartha without thinking of him. For a long while now have never been so comfortable with a man ever before, there was nothing to be bothered about not even a slightest pretense needed. There I was gorging on the food and listening to a man who spoke so much on his childhood.. his loneliness..his attempt at cooking..his love life, fashion, and everything under the sun.
I wanted to know of things that probably I wouldn’t have talked with anyone like countries, people culture..etc..etc..He told me in length on New Zealand which fascinated me..i might never go there, but atleast knowing doesn’t do me harm isn’t it? ..and when I spoke about Len and how I single handedly handle him& his needs, he instead of offering any console went on to say how strong I was ..and that really made a difference, Yes! That’s one responsibility that I enjoy and have no rights to complain, infact that’s when he told me about his parents, he so much so looked like a young boy when he told me how shabby he kept his room or how messy he would turn the kitchen to while experimenting to cook. He asked me to find something apart from work, to look forward to do. Its time I do something with passion, he told me about the deck he built gosh..one man with so many passions in life!

Time just flew and we were still talking for over 4 hours.. I wished he could stay;( The best thing I learnt from him that day was you don’t have to try to be nice..just be yourself!!!! I donno if anybody ever told him what a gentleman he was..he made me so comfortable, I didn’t wish talk anything personal and ruin the perfect moment. Something I can never forget was a small bit of conversation when I asked him if he would ever come back to India..he was so truthful when he replied..he might or might not, not sure for the moment but even if he does things won’t be the same………how right…?!

Thank you God..for bringing him into my life even if it was for a shorter period..he brought in a lot of happiness after.. one of those who touch our lives in a very special way and life never will be the same again……..

I will miss him for his support and guidance at work... Never once I am feeling that we might lose in touch. I know for sure even though we don’t see each other or is in constant touch.. he will remember me at times..and I too will.. He will always hold a very special place in my heart.

I don’t know what more to write..I have so much yet so less...!!

New year is here!!

Today while on my way to office i decided i have to write, not because anything eventful happened just that it would make me a lot more happier..2008 has gone by and a new year ius here and brought in new hopes and aspirations,
I feel i have grown up..and a lot has changed in me, no longer i am a selfish soul seeking only my happiness today i want the entire world to be a better place and pray for peace of happiness for everyone. Didnt take extra effort to reach out to friends and family to wish them, for me somehow it wasnt very important..

i have resolved to be happy no matter what..most probably i will...except for the pangs of depression which hits me time to time..i am gonna make things a lot more fun for Leny..try n as much be a buddy to him..its time i stop him for doing everything..i should let him have a life, its only now he can do all this,

maybe i will continue this post soon...but for now..signing off!